Apr 042008
(Disclaimer: Post contains discussion of controversial parenting topics.
I have friends whom I love and respect who espouse very different parenting philosophies.
This post is in no way meant to be an attack on them.
Rather I’m rejoicing to find out I’m not alone here on the other side of the fence. 
)
)This past week’s FamilyLife Today broadcasts with “Moms on Call” have been such an encouragement. I was beginning to think I was one of the last moms on earth who believed in establishing a routine for her baby.
I’m not sure when “schedule” became a bad word, or letting a baby learn to fall asleep by itself became synonymous with cruelty. I have a couple books on hold at the library, because I’d like to find out who was responsible for this philosophy of child-centered parenting. It certainly wasn’t part of my growing up experience!
I’m sure my parents didn’t do everything right in raising us kids. But the more families I observe, the more I realize how rare our upbringing was.
You see, Dad and Mom taught us that delayed obedience was disobedience. We didn’t get to wait until they counted to ten. “To delay is to disobey.”
We were not allowed to talk back. In word or in look. And talking back to Mom was talking back to Daddy’s wife, which was double trouble.
And they expected us to obey. They told people we were well-behaved, and we were expected to live up to it. (It helped to have this clarified before we hit the teen years.)
My dad and mom learned a lot of their parenting principles one year when their Sunday School class went through a program called “Growing Kids God’s Way.” The premise was pretty much that Dad and Mom are in charge, not the kids. (In addition to being common-sense parenting, it also happened to be a rather biblical principle.) Maybe we didn’t always like the fact that we were not the center of the universe. But my brother and I learned it worked better that way.
By the time my younger sister and brother were born, the authors had come out with a book on caring for babies. My sister and brother thrived on the routine of eating, then having playtime, and a nap before it was time to eat again. It was easy for us to see how much sense it made for the little ones to have awake playtime while they were happy and had a full tummy, giving plenty of time for those burps to come out before naptime. Having waketime between eating and naptime helped them sleep until it was really time to eat again, instead of fussing for another meal before their tummy had digested the last one.
I knew that when I had children, I was going to use the concepts from Babywise. I just didn’t know how controversial they would become by then! Sure, I saw the World magazine article about the Ezzos way back when. But it wasn’t until I and my friends started having babies that I realized how very unpopular Babywise and its authors were. Apparently it all originated with some church issues–and in the end everyone from Dr. Dobson to John MacArthur was making a statement about their position on the Ezzo’s ministry. I’m guessing Gary Ezzo is rather like some men I happen to know–if he thinks he’s right, he’ll never back down. But that’s just a guess. And regardless of what many thought of the man personally, I still thought his parenting concepts sounded right-on. (I mean, I don’t agree with Joshua Harris theologically, but I am a definite proponent of his books on relationships, marriage, and even the church.)
But a quick Google search only made it worse. I read that a woman should never, ever take mothering advice from a man, because men haven’t the first clue about birthing or nursing. I read that to give my baby a “piece of rubber” (pacifier) to suck on, instead of my breast, was a shame. And I read that to deny my baby the comfort of food when it cried, or of sleeping all night between my husband and me, was the saddest state of motherhood today.
Conversation over lunch that day with the man God gave me for a leader and protector, the man who leads our family, the head of our household, the man God gave to Ruth for a daddy, helped clear my thinking. God gave practical, loving husbands to hormonal, post-partum women for a reason. It was my husband who kept reassuring this emotional new mom that our baby daughter was fine, her diaper was dry, she’d just eaten for an hour, she probably just needed to cry. (It was also my husband who spent many hours of his young life, well-fed and diapered, in the “green room” on the other side of the house from his family, while he cried and cried and cried… And it didn’t seem to have harmed him permanently–other than the fact that he’s a fan of all things John Deere.) It was my husband who got up in the night to build a fire to keep our little one warm, when my hormones were telling me it was as warm as a summer day. It was my husband (as well as our pastor and his wife) who agreed that even though we don’t want our daughter walking around with a “binkie” always stuck in her mouth at age two, it is good and comforting for a baby to do all that sucking (the doctor even said they are recommending pacifier use for prevention of SIDS). It was my husband who helped me decide when our little girl was hungry (even though she just ate an hour earlier) and when she was just tired (and she never will nurse for more than a second when she’s just tired, not hungry). It was my husband who helped me remember that establishing routines for babies was an old concept (at least as old as his dad!), and necessary for a family’s sanity, as well as a mother’s health (constant nursing day and night will only wear mom out, reducing her milk supply–and both the baby and the milk quickly learn whether the rule of the day is constant snacking or a good meal every few hours).
And it was because my first priority is still to my husband that our little girl slept first in her own cradle made by a family friend, and then in a crib lovingly redone by her daddy. I’ve yet to hear of a doctor recommending the “family bed” concept. And I’m thinking few husbands are that wild about it, either. I am a mommy now. But I was first, and I am still foremost, a wife. Yes, sometimes in order to best serve my husband’s needs, I have to attend to the baby’s first. But at the end of the day, with Ruth fast asleep in her crib, I am free to focus completely on my husband. When he comes home from work, Ruth and I go to the door to kiss him. She plays with her toys while her daddy and I eat dinner and spend time together in the evenings. Oh yes, she gets lots of time to play with her daddy–we try to schedule her awake times when he’s home for lunch, and they are always reading together in the evenings. But I want my children to always know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that their daddy and mommy love each other first and most. And I firmly believe that knowledge will give them more sense of safety and security for years to come than sleeping in our bed ever could. Not to mention that there is no room in our bed for anyone else, with all the pillows we use!
With all the controversial questions answered by my practical husband (whose daughter has him wrapped around her little finger), I was left still trying to follow the routine we’d established for Ruth (on which she has thrived), but fearful of of even mentioning the word Babywise online again. Admittedly, the book could sound a little strict. It was obviously written in response to attachment parenting and demand-feeding. And they are pretty much on opposite ends of the spectrum. But wasn’t there anyone who provided a balanced view? Wasn’t there anyone else who thought the parents knew better than the baby? Wasn’t there anyone else who wanted to teach their child who was in charge before the teen years hit? No one would listen to a first-time mom of a four-month-old who still wasn’t always sleeping through the night. I knew I wouldn’t be writing the book (at least for another 20 years). But what would I recommend to all our expectant cousins and friends?
Then came the “Moms on Call” broadcasts on FamilyLife Today. Merritt heard the first day and told me I had to listen. (Then my dad called and said he heard about swaddling on FamilyLife Today and knew I’d want to hear it.) What a breath of fresh air! Here were Christian moms (of twins!), who were also pediatric nurses, outlining the same routine for helping your baby learn to sleep through the night. They even talked about swaddling! (That’s one “sleep prop” we couldn’t do without.) It was all the perspective of Babywise, with the wisdom of pediatric nurses and the experience of mothers of twins. It’s up-to-date, with the “Back to Sleep” campaign and recommended tummy time. And it sounds like it’s old-fashioned, with swaddling, and natural, with regular corn starch from the kitchen shelf for the baby’s bottom instead of the expensive, perfumed stuff renamed “baby powder”.
I ordered the book from Half.com, downloaded all the broadcast transcripts from FamilyLife.com, and added the book to my PaperbackSwap.com wish list. Because if I like it as well as I think I will, my pregnant friends will all be getting at least a loaner copy of Moms on Call Guide to Basic Baby Care.
Oh, and did I mention, with the added encouragement of Moms on Call, I let Ruth fuss a bit when she woke up at 2:30 this morning…and she went back to sleep until 6 a.m. Yay for 9 hours of sleep! Yay for Moms on Call!
3 Responses to “yay for Moms on Call”
Comments (3)
I never thought I would say this, and if you asked me about it anytime from about three years ago until five months ago, my answer would be completely different–but I have to say I couldn’t agree with you more. I haven’t admitted that online yet, for fear of severe backlash, lol, but it’s true… I have a scheduled baby who is absolutely thriving, and this came after seeing firsthand the results of following the usually rather humanistic way of parenting with Troy. We have had big issues to deal with that were a direct result of letting him be in control. And yes, it started with feeding. I become more and more convinced with each day I’m a mommy that our God of order certainly blesses a life characterized by order and routine, right from the start. I have some things I definitely don’t agree with the Ezzos on, but, hey, I don’t agree with ANY person 100%. But I think the principles they suggest that I do agree with aren’t theirs alone–many other wise and experienced parents have done the same common-sense parenting for ages. So yeah, all that to say that you aren’t the only mama who is scheduling her baby–even amongst those of us online.
I loved your post Gretchen.
When the Lord blesses us with children, we also plan to schedule…In our church, Babywise is very popular, but in many circles I have found it to be rather unpopular as well. Thanks for the encouragment! 
I hate to say it, and I know I’m late to the party on this one, but the Babywise routine has become so controversial that the AAP (American Association of Pediatrics) has issued statements AGAINST scheduling baby to your schedule, CIO before 6 months, etc. Scheduling feedings is a horrible thing to do if you are trying to breastfeed. Letting a little (newborn) baby cry for no reason teaches them to not trust – better to let them cry in loving arms than alone in a dark room, KWIM?
I’m sorry, but the Ezzos aren’t trained in the medical aspects of child rearing, nor are they clinically trained in the psychological aspects as well. And the fact that their adult children are estranged from them is VERY telling. I certainly hope that if people do read their book for whatever reason, they read it with extreme caution. Blessings to all!